Charlie Manson And The Chocolate Factory
by Swamp Thing
Summary: What happens when some of history's greatest killers enter literature's most magical factory?


Charlie Manson and the Chocolate Factory

Characters:

Charlie Manson- A wannabe musician with big dreams

Sharon Tate- One of the most glamorous women in Hollywood and soon to be a mother

Valerie Solanas- Like Manson, she wants to be respected for her art. She also hates men

Andy Warhol- The toast of the art scene at the moment

Mark David Chapman- A crusader for morality

John Lennon- A man whom, by his very nature, radiates peace

Lee Harvey Oswald- A nobody who loves violence and wants fame

JFK- One slick player

Courtney Love- A drug riddled mess of an enigma.

Kurt Cobain- A quiet poet

Willy Wonka- A mysterious but brilliant chocolate maker

INT. Manson Family House

Charlie is seated on the bed, playing his acoustic guitar, when the radio announcer cuts in with a special announcement.

Radio Announcer (VO)

Yes, you heard right, kiddies. Willy Wonka, the world famous chocolate maker and notorious recluse is at last opening the doors to his horrifyingly ominous but seemingly wonderful candy factory. Yes, it's every child's dream come true: have a strange man take you thorough an industrial plant to find out how those lovely little candies really get made. But be quick, kiddies. There are only five golden tickets hidden in five random Wonka bars. So buy a friggin assload of candy!

Manson's face lights up. He throws down his guitar and runs out of the room.

INT. Convenience Store

Manson grabs a Wonka bar, pays for it, and merrily runs out.

INT. Manson Family House

Manson is sitting in front of the TV watching with rapt attention.

Announcer (VO)

That's right the first golden ticket has been won.

EXT. Used car lot

The announcer is standing with a punkish gal, Valerie Solanas, and her guest, a quiet, arty type named Andy Warhol.

Valerie Solanas

Yeah, that's right, you fucking man APE! You fucking APE! I won the Golden Fucking Ticket, it's all mine you SWINE!!!!

INT. Manson Family House

Manson is staring at the TV with a new kind of attention. He looks the way Charlie Brown looks when he sees the Little Red Haired Girl. He is a man in love.

EXT. Parking Lot Again

Valerie Solanas

(Still ranting) Yeah, that's right, and I'm gonna make a razor sharp candy corn that'll CUT THE BALLS off you disgusting MEN!

INT. Manson Family House

Manson is totally smitten. And the way he figures it, if this tube of wonderful is gonna be at the factory, he simply must get a ticket.

Reuse of footage: Manson buying a Wonka bar.

Title Card: Weeks later

Voice over comes over title card as we fade up on a slightly heartbroken Manson staring at the TV.

Announcer (VO)

That's right, all you cats and chicks out there in radio land, four out of the five Golden Tickets to Mr. Wonka's swinging party have been found. That means there is only one, count it one ticket left!

EXT. Some place where everyone is standing

The announcer stands with the four winners and their guests: Solanas and Warhol again, along with Mark David Chapman and his guest John Lennon, Lee Harvey Oswald and his guest JFK and, standing in the back trying to avoid the camera, Courtney Love and her guest Kurt Cobain.

Announcer

We're here with the lucky four now. We've been following these four lucky, lucky people for weeks now. It's very unlikely they'll ever be able to cross the street again without being mobbed by millions of adoring fans. But don't forget, kids, if you wanna be famous too and eat lots of lots of candy and have a chance to meet Mr. Willy Wonka himself, get out there and FIND THAT LAST TICKET!!!

MONTAGE OF MANSON BUYING AND EATING RIDICULOUS AMOUNTS OF CANDY BUT NOT FINDING A GOLDEN TICKET

And then…

EXT. Street

Manson is walking along, upset. Suddenly, he sees something shiny on the ground. He bends over, picks it up and unfolds it to find---IT'S THE LAST GOLDEN TICKET!! Manson jumps and dances merrily, and runs to the home of Roman Polanski.

EXT. Polanski House

Manson excitedly knocks on the door. Roman Polanski answers, standing with a young girl.

Polanski

Oh. Hi, Charlie. Can I help you?

Manson

Is your wife home?

Polanski

Charlie, Sharon is on bed rest. She's very, very pregnant right now.

Manson

Oh, she'll want to get up for this!

Manson pushes passed Roman and the young girl and runs into the house.

INT. Polanski house

Sharon Tate is lying in bed, pregnant. Manson runs up to her.

Manson

Sharon! SHARON! Guess what I have?

Sharon

(annoyed) Herpes?

Manson

Better! I have THE LAST GOLDEN TICKET!!!

Sharon sits up, surprised.

Sharon

You're kidding!

Manson waves it in her face. As if by a miracle, Sharon leaps out of bed and begins dancing! The two then festively run out of the house.

EXT. Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory

The five groups are tittering excitedly. Soon, Willy Wonka himself emerges to greet the people.

Willy Wonka

Good day, good day, good day to you all! I am Mr. Willy Wonka and THIS (he gestures wildly) is my factory!

The group claps.

Willy Wonka

Today, all of your dreams will come true.

The group claps again.

Willy Wonka

Now, enough bullshit, let's get moving.

He turns and begins walking. The group follows.

INT. Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory

The group is standing expectantly. Manson is making eyes at Solanas.

Willy Wonka

Our tour begins here, fair friends. This factory was founded by my grandfather in the year of our lord 1847. He was a proud man who was quite fond of children. (He gives Sharon a look) Knowing your husband, ma'am, I imagine you know what I'm talking about.

Sharon Tate

Well, I never!

Manson

It's all right, he's only joking!

Sharon Tate

(Ignoring Manson, yelling at Willy Wonka) You are a very rude and foul man!

Manson

Sharon, that's Willy Wonka!

Sharon Tate

Well, I'M SHARON TATE!!!! Nobody messes with SHARON TATE!!!

Miss Piggy style, Sharon runs up to Willy Wonka and gives him a karate chop to the gut. After recovering…

Willy Wonka

Well. I see you are a lady who means business. I like that.

Solanas

Are you hitting on her?

Willy Wonka

I'm sorry?

Solanas

Are you coming on to her? Sexually?

Willy Wonka

I'm just making conversation, trying to get to know you all before I take you through my factory. That's all.

Solanas

That's horseshit. You just want in her pants.

Willy Wonka

Ma'am, she's a pregnant woman.

Solanas

Oh! What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Since she's got a kid in her she's all of a sudden not good enough for you?

Willy Wonka

Ma'am, you are out of line! Do not make me sick my Oompa-Loompas on you!

Solanas

Oh, I'm SOOO scared of your Oompa-Loompas! You men are all the same! Luring us all into your little "factory" just to have your filthy little way with us! You make me sick!

Andy Warhol

Valerie, settle down. I'd really like some free candy!

Solanas

Can it, Warhol!

Andy Warhol

Okay. Mr. Wonka, you really do have a lovely factory here.

Willy Wonka

Why, thank you Mr. Warhol.

Andy Warhol

You'd be wonderful in one of my films. I could have one of those lovely Oompa-Loompa people rub lipstick into your nipples.

Willy Wonka

Okay.

Andy Warhol

Yes, we could just sit here all day and just watch how you make the candy.

Willy Wonka

Right.

Andy Warhol

I'd love to paint your portrait. I'm doing a show at the Guggenheim. You could be the center piece. "100 Wonkas." They'd come in droves.

Solanas

Hey! HEEYYY!!! If you men are done discussing your manly little actions, I WAS talking here!

Willy Wonka

Oh, I'm terribly sorry, my dear girl, what was it you had to say?

Solanas

That you are sickening! You turn women into your sexual little toys just to use for your own twisted pleasure! Kill men now!

Willy Wonka

Were you talking to me? Because I'm fairly confident I've been shut into a factory for the past fifteen years with no female companionship whatsoever. So I'm curious, how is it that I, of all people, use women as sex objects.

Solanas

Stop trying to get my panties off, you twisted asshole.

John Lennon

Hey, calm down you two! Give peace a chance!

Everyone glares at Lennon, upset at the corniness of that joke. After a beat, Wonka launches back into his spiel, which continues as background noise while Manson decides to take a chance at talking to Solanas.

Manson

Hey.

Solanas

What?

Manson

I really liked what you did back there, with Wonka.

Solanas

Oh, don't start, you're just like the rest.

Manson

I'm not like him. He's a pig.

Solanas

A what?

Manson

He's a pig. He's the man. He's in charge. He's the guy with the stuff. And his day is coming. Oh yes. His day is coming.

Solanas

If you're trying to get in my pants…

Manson

No, I just admire your hatred.

Solanas

I was gonna say this is a pretty good start.

She gives him a flirty smile and turns back to the presentation.

Willy Wonka

… Wonka Candies is also responsible for a number of programs that help promote healthy and balanced diets among school children…

Solanas

Hey, PIG!

Willy Wonka

Ma'am I am getting just a little bit sick of your little outbursts.

Solanas

Yeah?

Willy Wonka

Yeah!

Solanas

Well, I'm getting just a little sick of… you being a PIG!

Willy Wonka

We are the music makers. We are the dreamers of dreams. And I don't know what you're talking about.

While Manson does have professional admiration for Wonka, he figures he can get what he wants if he backs Solanas up on this one. And besides, he did plant the seed in a way.

Manson

You're one of the haves, Wonka. The have-nots are gonna rise up, you pig!

Willy Wonka

I'm sorry, doesn't "pig" mean "cop?" Neither of you are making any sense.

Manson

Oh yeah. "Pig" does mean "cop." I never thought of that. Man, I must've sounded like a jackass all this time.

Solanas

Focus, Charlie!

Manson

Oh yeah. Either way, man, you're going down! It's the people's time!

Willy Wonka

I don't employ people. I employ Oompa-Loompas. They're freaky little creatures who nobody else would hire because they're fucking scary. I provide them with a home and all the resources they need and they provide very minimal labor in return. This factory works mostly using machines.

Long beat. Manson and Solanas sure do look silly right about now.

Solanas

Hey, Wonka, will you put on my play?

Willy Wonka

What?

Solanas

I wrote a play about what SHIT men are. Will you put it on?

Willy Wonka

I'm not a theatre producer. I'm a candy maker.

Solanas

Yeah, that's just what a MAN would say! Just like what WARHOL told me.

Andy Warhol

Please leave me out of this one.

JFK

If I er uh may er uh say something here. I respect the women's movement whole-heartedly. And by movement, I mean RACK!

Solanas

Who the hell are you?

JFK

I er uh… hey beautiful, quite a nice factory here. And by factory, I mean your ASS!

Solanas

You know what? I've been right all along. Men only want us for sex.

JFK

If by sex… you mean SEXUAL INTERCOURSE!!

Solanas

And I have only one person to blame.

Andy Warhol

If you say…

Solanas

YOU, WARHOL!!!

Andy Warhol

Valerie, how can you think that?

Solanas

Oh, don't think I'm not onto you, you SEX MANIAC!!! You keep all us pretty young girls in your little studio for your little paintings and your little movies. I know it's all for your own carnal satisfaction. (She pulls out a gun)

Andy Warhol

Valerie, I'm g-

Before he can finish, she fires the gun. The bullet bounces off of Warhol and into JFK.

Lee Harvey Oswald

Oh my god! You killed Kennedy!

Mark David Chapman

You bastard!

Willy Wonka

Everybody stay calm!

Manson

NO! Everybody FREAK OUT ON YOURSELVES!!!

Solanas

Rise! Rise!

John Lennon

HEY! Look, people, we're not going to solve our problems using violence. We need to understand each other and love each other. We only get one life. Where do we go after this?

Andy Warhol

(nursing his shoulder) Heaven?

John Lennon

But imagine if there isn't one.

Mark David Chapman

Wow, man. That's deep. Can I have your autograph?

John Lennon

Yeah, sure.

Chapman produces pad and pen, and Lennon scribbles down a quick signature.

Courtney Love

Hey, everybody pay attention to me!

Everybody does.

Courtney Love

I just wanna say that have no idea where I am. Where are the cameras? WHERE ARE THE CAMERAS????

Kurt Cobain

(totally detached) Hey, Wonka, this is a nice factory, man. I like candy. I eat a lot of it at home. I think I may have a cavity in my right molar. (looks down at JFK) Hey, a dead guy.

Courtney Love

Um, I am really proud of this album and I'd like to thank everybody who helped me with it. FUCK YOU, KURT!

Kurt Cobain

What?

Courtney Love

You're not the only one with talent in this family!

Kurt Cobain

(kicking JFK) I'm pretty sure this guy is dead.

Courtney Love

Well, my album is really going to show the public that I can be my own star, even without Kurt.

Kurt Cobain

Hey, Wonka, is the dead guy, like, for candy?

Courtney Love

Stop trying to step on my dreams, Kurt!

Kurt Cobain

Courtney, does this guy smell dead to you?

Courtney Love

I rock! I rock harder than any woman before me!

Solanas

What was that, bitch?

Courtney Love

I said I am the rockingest woman ever!

Solanas

Ohhhh…. no you are not!

Courtney Love

Huh?

Solanas

Do you have any idea who you're talking to? I am VALERIE SOLANAS!

Courtney Love

Who?

Solanas

I am a feminist goddess! Death to all men!

Courtney Love

Well, I want to inspire women everywhere to rock as hard as me!

Solanas

Yeah, you suck.

Courtney Love

That's true. But I can suck on my own! Even without Kurt!

Kurt Cobain

Hey! A dead guy!

Manson grabs Lee Harvey Oswald.

Manson

Hey! Are we having a revolution here or not?

John Lennon

You say you want a revolution?

Manson

Yes!

John Lennon

Well, you know… we all want to change the world.

Willy Wonka

Attention: I know how we can solve all our problems here.

John Lennon

You say you've got a great solution?

Willy Wonka

Yes.

John Lennon

Well, you know… we'd all love to see the plan.

Willy Wonka

Here it is: Miss Solanas, you hate all men, correct?

Solanas

Damn right!

Willy Wonka

Mr. Lennon, you just want us to all get along, right?

John Lennon

We should come together. Right now. Over me.

Willy Wonka

Right. Now, JFK, you're dead, Mr. Warhol, you have a hurt shoulder and you two- (gestures to Kurt and Courtney) just have no idea where you are.

Courtney Love

Hey! A dead guy!

Kurt Cobain

Where?

Lee Harvey Oswald

What about me? I have a crazed killer grabbing my neck.

Willy Wonka

Well, I can't help you.

Lee Harvey Oswald

Then what's your solution?

Willy Wonka

I don't have one. I just had to keep you distracted long enough to give me time to RUN! (he dashes off).

Manson

Well, I guess it's all me now. The revolution has begun.

John Lennon

Look, this whole place is getting too angry for me. I'm out of here. Come on, Chapman.

The two leave.

Courtney Love

Is that a butterfly?

Kurt and Courtney wander out.

A gun shot is heard outside.

Long beat.

Courtney Love

Hey, a dead guy!

Sharon Tate

Oh my god!

Solanas

What?

Sharon Tate

My baby's coming!

Sharon Tate gives birth. Intercut this with the knife footage. After the birth…

Solanas

He has his father's eyes.

Sharon Tate

Welp, see ya.

She leaves, carrying the baby.

Lee Harvey Oswald

Okay, it's just me now! Why kill me?

Manson

Because… actually… why?

Solanas

Cause he's a man!

Manson

Well, so am I!

Solanas

Yes… but I love you. I need you Charlie. I want you like a diabetic crack addict wants cocaine-laced insulin!

Manson

Oh, Valerie!

He throws Oswald down and embraces her.

Andy Warhol

Hey! I'm still here!

Manson

Oh yeah. You just kind of fade into the scenery, don't you. I guess that's kind of your thing. Well, no reason to kill you, I guess. You know what? This whole killing thing is silly. I never wanted to be a murderer. I wanted to be a folk singer. Writing songs and traveling the nation, just like Bob Dylan. And I figured if I won this factory ticket, I could realize my dream.

From off-camera…

Willy Wonka

You've won, Charlie!

Manson

What?

Willy Wonka reenters.

Willy Wonka

You've turned over a new leaf! You want to be a folk singer? So you shall! The factory is yours! Come on, Warhol! Come along, Oswald! I'll treat you both to club sandwhiches!

The trio leaves. Suddenly, the announcer is there.

Announcer

And so it was! Charlie and Valerie were married and Charlie turned the chocolate factory into his own recording studio.

Credits roll while Manson performs "Tainted Love."

END

Notes for rewrite:

WILLY WONKA

I'm not in the slightest bit homosexual, but sometimes I think it might be fun to go out into the streets in a little mini skirt and some skanky makeup, just all dolled up as a dirty girl. Not a prostitute, mind you, just a plain old everyday slut. And find some fellow to take me home and we'd start kissing and touching and just when he thinks he's getting my snozzberry bush, bam- exploding candy dripping all down his face.


End file.
